Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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