We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
