apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
