So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's get the cat blown out
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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