he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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