Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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