I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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