If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
