she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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