i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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