Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize