FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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