Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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