my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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