I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
