i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
