If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
