I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
