If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
