My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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