we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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