guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
