it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
