I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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