My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
