he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
