I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize