1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
