My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
