i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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