nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
