I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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