if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize