You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
