Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
