just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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