when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
