I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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