I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
