apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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