well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
