He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
