I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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