I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hippo gnu deer
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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