Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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