You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
