i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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