She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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