just tell him i said nine months
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
