wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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