im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
