i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
