census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Never joke about your clitoris.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
