My room smells like vodka and shame
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
