i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
