you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
