How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
