trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
